I had this dream... I was in the ocean with one of those fish that can change genders depending on water temperature, and maybe it's name was Dory, or something. And there was this very small fish, and maybe his name was Marlin, and the fish started arguing. And Marlin said that I was his Coral and threatened Dory and then I woke up in a cold sweat and Dillie was licking my face and I felt all sleepy again. New Dartha is not what... zzzzz....
  • Current Music

My Dillie

Dillie has become a great companion here at the castle and I am starting to train him. He almost always does his business on the newspapers (sports section, of course) I leave out and no longer gnaws on Ninja Person's leg... It's more of an affectionate nibble, actually.

Lord Darthac seems especially fond of Dillie as he is always happy to join me when I take Dillie out for a walk. The castle grounds are beautiful right now and I can't imagine being anywhere else. Really, I have no worries. Ok, I am little concerned about the knee-high holes in some of the doors around here. It might be termites. Termites and... I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting... shooo... sleepy... Don't drool on the computer, lil Dill.... Time for Mommy and her Dillie to sleep.

zzzzz... not Chippie...zzzzzzz... Dillie.......snore....stupid name..... Chippie....
  • Current Music

Corrupt Foundation

Brock Stringham here reporting once again from Lord Darthac’s beautiful castle. I’m including a short article regarding the Foundation’s obvious plot to rule the world. I wish I could write more, but this place makes me feel so relaxed that it just doesn’t seem right to work. I haven’t felt this good in years; I don’t know why more people don’t live here in Dartha, especially considering their charming and charismatic regent. Of course, Dillie, my little chimpy doesn’t help me work, climbing all over me whenever I sit down to type – isn’t that true Dillie? But mama doesn’t mind, no she doesn’t! The only real annoyance is Ninja Person’s bottle counting and screams of agony. Hm. My head really hurt there for a second… Sooo sleepy. I think I’ll take a nap.

Ninja Person Awaiting Trial?Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Dartha the Beautiful


Brock Stringham here reporting from Lord Darthac’s castle. I’d assign a dateline to this, but my stay in Dartha seems to have affected my sense of time and I have no idea what month this is, let alone the exact day. I have managed to gain access to a computer in the castle; however, I am only able to log on to Livejournal. I would like to take this opportunity to post an article I have written about Lord Darthac and the recent Chimpandillo attack in White Stone. Hopefully, someone at White Stone Illuminations is paying attention and will publish it. I would like to add that I had been warned that Lord Darthac was short-tempered and small-minded, but I believe this article will show that he is just a simple man whose big dreams for his country have been trampled on by the Foundation and its “heroes”. He also makes me feel very sleepy...

Regent of Dartha Speaks Out: Demands Return of Family Heirloom and Trial for Ninja PersonCollapse )
  • Current Music
    Star Wars Imperial Theme

Help Brock!

White Stone Illuminations received a phone call from Brock Stringham a few hours ago. This was the content of the call:

Is that you? Shut up and listen. I couldn't reach the Foundation. So much for the "scream and rescue." No, they're not on my speed dial. Look, I've been captured by some strange armored hairy monster thing-y with very sharp teeth. Chimpan-what? It was on the newswire before I left? (garbled noises) S---... they're coming back... I think I'm near.... RRRAARRR... Hey, watch the hat ya big ---- ow hey!!!!! Dial tone.

We have reason to believe that Ms. Stringham's life is in danger. If anyone has any information regarding Ms. Stringham's whereabouts, please contact the Foundation immediately.

$%^&&#' rain!

I should have known it was going to be a bad day when my clock radio woke me up with "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth." If that song doesn't evoke the true meaning of Christmas, I don't know what does. Things improved when the weather man said that we were going to get some snow tonight. Feeling mildly content I picked up my new CD, A Swaziland Solstice, and headed out to my car.

I got into my car and turned the key - nothing. I tried again... flooded the engine. Looks like Galileo has to go to the doctor. Again. I tried to catch the bus, only to discover that I was 5 cents short. Think any of those Holiday passengers were willing to spring for the rest of my fare? I walked to work.

As soon as I got in I was hauled into my editor's office and got an earful about my Diva article. Is it my fault the Almighty, pie smelling "heroine" hasn't responded to my e-mails? I tried calling and discovered that because her publicist is away, Ms. Diva can't respond to e-mails. Why, you may ask? Because using a computer puts her fingernails at risk. Diva can't use the telephone either... "it strains her voice." Grrr... So I tried to submit my article on dermatomyositis and its relation to Heroman's skin colour and got a tongue lashing for my "outlandish" ideas and my "inability to work within the confines of my assignments."

I walked out of the office trying to cheer myself with "snow" thoughts only to catch that SOB Dan Shipman, the obnoxious sports reporter (sports reporter? Come on people, that can't be a real job!), making some snarky comment about how I stole my fedora from Vince Lombardi's grave. Look, if this hat was good enough for Hepburn in Woman of the Year, then it's damn well good enough for me!

Just think of the snow, I told myself. Then I got to my desk. That stupid black fish... that stupid black fish I got as a gag gift from my editor... that stupid, f---in' fish that does absolutely nothing, but has to be fed with expensive, foul smelling fish food... that bloody, stupid, ugly, smelly, s--- producing fish was belly f---ing up!! DAMN!!

I disposed of Schwarz (the fish, not a Spaceballs joke) and tried to grab a cigarette in the bathroom. I got caught and received an earful from some bimbo secretary (excuse me, "office assistant") about the horrors of smoking. Really? Smoking can kill me? I didn't know! I'll stop right after this one. Oops, did I blow my smoke in your face? Sorry!

I attempted get some work done, with hopeful thoughts about the snow that would blanket White Stone tonight.

I left work a bit early so I could get Galileo towed and guess what was falling from the sky?

RAIN. Merry f---ing Christmas. Someone get me a cigarette and a gin, and hold the tonic.
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

The Truth must be told!

My editor has refused to publish my editorial regarding the events at Ping Towers last weekend. It is my duty as a reporter to reveal to the public the true motivations of The Foundation. Heroman has refused to comment and that to me speaks volumes. Why would the "hero" refuse to speak? He must be hiding something. My editor says that there is not enough evidence to support my theories, but he just doesn't want to be on the wrong side of the Foundation and potentially miss big scoops. I mean, without The Foundation, how would we sell newspapers?

I believe it is possible that the events last weekend were staged by The Foundation, possibly to set the stage for a WWE style coup. The Night Knight is being payed off to act as a foil to Heroman and boost sales for Foundation merchandise. They are possibly creating a story arc to add to Heroman's prestige. Eventually The Night Knight will be defeated, but only after a series of defeats. My source, who refused to be named, confirmed this after I took him out to Chez Tres Chere and, after a few drinks, asked him: "Were last weekend's events at Ping Towers staged?" He responded "Mmmmm..."

Heroman's refusal to comment on the events shows that he is not keen on this 'story arc.' It is likely that this conspiracy goes right to the top...

I shall endeavor to uncover the whole truth surrounding the events of last weekend and welcome any comments or leads.